Pizza Hut To Blame For Her Herpes Simplex Attacks?

When will fast-food joints stop putting people in peril? How could anybody be expected to know that a joint's deep-fried food might be hot? We need someone to protect us from such shameful irresponsibility, so thank heavens for Joshua Goldberg, Esq. A lawsuit filed by Goldberg, said a story in Monday's paper, alleges that Sorana Georgescu-Hassanin of Lehighton is the victim of a pernicious Pizza Hut in her town. I looked at Goldberg's complaint, filed in Carbon County Court, and (gasp) it's true. Georgescu-Hassanin, the lawsuit says, ordered cheese-stuffed ''Jalapeno Poppers'' on Nov. 5, 2003, and their ''excessive heat'' caused the cheese to burn her chin when it squirted out as she bit the deep-fried popper pepper. Pizza Hut failed to ''adequately warn her of any dangers,'' the lawsuit says, and the side of her chin was blistered. Not all of her medical bills, the suit says, were paid by the Department of Public Welfare; she paid part of them herself.

• The trauma, the suit says, resulted in ''a wage loss and a loss or impairment of her future earning capacity'' and it ''traumatically induced/reactivated chronic herpes simplex.''

Her husband is a co-plaintiff who ''suffered the loss of companionship, comfort, services and support of his wife.''

All this, the lawsuit says, entitles the couple to at least $75,000 from Pizza Hut et al. I was wondering what sort of wage loss Georgescu-Hassanin suffered if she is a welfare beneficiary. If Goldberg returns my calls, I'll ask him. I'll also ask how a chin blister two years ago cost her husband a loss of companionship, and how Pizza Hut is to blame for her herpes condition. Finally, I want to know why Goldberg is seeking only a crummy $75,000. When a New Mexico woman spilled hot McDonald's coffee in her lap, she was awarded $2.9 million. I know I have written unkind things about lawyers, accusing them of getting rich by filing blizzards of contingency-fee lawsuits intended to harass people into making settlements (rather than going broke over legal costs) even when claims have little merit. I have been so cruel as to say such lawyers need a big dose of tort reform in Harrisburg. But Monday's heartbreaking story made me realize we need them to protect us from the forces of evil who refuse to adequately warn us of dangers and let us hurt ourselves. Accordingly, I see an urgent need for establishments to be more responsible about adequately warning us. Every St. Patrick's Day, for example, Ye Olde Limeport Inn has a big Irish celebration. That establishment, I am distressed to report, has failed to put up a sign saying, ''Making harshly derogatory comments about Notre Dame's football team could result in unscheduled visits to your dentist.'' Yosemite National Park is lovely, but the last time I was at the Glacier Point lookout, I was horrified to find a lack of adequate warnings. I demand the following signs: ''Stepping off this precipice could cause you serious harm, although not until you reach the bottom of the 3,200-foot drop.'' The Lehigh Valley Ice Arena must warn hockey players not to provoke and confront former Flyer Dave ''The Hammer'' Schultz during charity games. (I have personal knowledge that such actions result in getting knocked on one's fanny. I was not physically injured in that game, but the humiliation was traumatic.) Companies that make light fixtures have been endangering us for too long. They need a sign on each light that says, ''If you remove the light bulb, stick a finger into the socket, and turn on the switch, you may experience discomfort.''

• Yes, we need more knights in shining litigious armor to protect us from such harm, and I expect that Joshua Goldberg will help lead the charge.