‘Playing around’ has a price tag Could the values in gay male relationships contribute to our STD and HIV infection rates?
By STEPHEN FALLON, Ph.D. Friday, November 25, 2005
A FEW MONTHS back, my friend Oscar was describing his new relationship over dinner. His boyfriend of two months had suggested that they commit to one another exclusively.
When Mitch heard this declaration of exclusivity, he snorted from across the table, “Please! I’ll have him by Christmas.” Though everyone was laughing, Mitch’s comment struck me sour.
Why don’t more gay guys encourage one another’s committed relationships? Our party line is that we’re just more realistic and honest with each other than straight lovers are.
But does our “honesty” extend as far as mocking and trying to trip up any relationships that are committed?
When my friend Chris took a weekend trip with a group of gay athletes, one of the other athletes hit on him. Chris said, “Thanks, but I have a boyfriend.” This didn’t slow the other guy’s advances.
When Chris removed the guy’s straying hand from his chest, the guy challenged, “What? Don’t you guys have rules for when you’re out of town?” It was inconceivable to this guy that any gay male relationship would even try to be truly exclusive.
This expectation that “playing” is inevitable in any gay relationship has come to worry me. I’ve been working in public health for a decade, and witnessed the anxiety that gay men feel when they find out they’ve caught HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes or Chlamydia.
COULD OUR VALUES contribute to our disproportionate STD and HIV infection rates?
Surveys conducted in seven U.S. cities among 5,600 young gay and bisexual men, ages 17-29, find that 10 percent are already HIV positive. Infection rates for just about every other STD tracked are also higher for gay men than for straight men or women.
The point isn’t that straight folks are pure, and we are hedonistic. But for straight couples, sexual exclusivity is at least the stated goal. Notwithstanding the sort of mutually undeserving, hetero imbeciles paraded on “Jerry Springer,” when a straight spouse cheats it’s supposed to be the exception that proves the rule of presumed fidelity.
In anonymous surveys, about a third of straight married people admit to having ever had an affair. But in a recent survey of gay men in sexually exclusive relationships, nearly one-third had cheated within three months of starting the relationship. More than half of them had unprotected sex when they strayed.
Did these men slip up sooner because their pledges were at odds with general gay male expectations?
Wedding or civil union vows spoken before friends and family send a message of planned fidelity. A spouse feeling the urge will have to work harder to manage an affair away from the eyes of neighbors or friends.
WE SEEM TO expect “open” relationships. Another long survey of 4,295 gay and bisexual guys in six U.S. cities found the average guy had seven sexual partners during the past six months, though about half of the men were in primary partner relationships.
To be sure, plenty of guys have caught HIV or STDs even staying true to their partner, either because they didn’t get tested together at the outset, or because one of them strayed and brought an infection home. But from a general safety perspective, even imperfect or serial monogamy is preferable to “honestly open” relationships.
A person newly infected with HIV is 12 to 20 times more contagious than after the immune system has started to fight back. If a guy becomes HIV infected during a rare one-night stand, or within a mostly monogamous relationship, he will likely pass through his “peak contagion period” without exposing anyone else.
Yet if he became infected while “playing” in an open relationship, or during a regular “trick,” then each of the guys he has unprotected sex with in the coming two months will face a much greater risk of catching his virus.
How about if relationships are sexually open only when partners use condoms? Many gay men use condoms improperly, putting them on only after already entering a partner a few times during foreplay.
Though guys who “play” tell me that they’re extra careful, gay guys with multiple partners are statistically no more likely to use condoms than those with just one partner.
I’d oppose anyone who tried to legislate against individual sexual choice. But maybe it is time for us to encourage exclusive relationships.
